Diary of a pregnancy?

2002-06-17T00:11:00.000Z

Temporarily on hold

I have decided not to make an effort to update this for the time being. Conceiving is not at the centre of my exisitence right now. In theory I am still taking the clomid, although I clean forgot last month. The previous month I did detect something on the ovulation tester. I don't want to dwell on it. I won't shut this down, because I never know when I might want to blog about it again. However, don't expect frequent updates.

Cheers
Lady Gee _xxx

2002-04-24T21:42:00.000Z

A bit crazy

I phoned up for an application form for a job today. Damn good job, actually. I've got a lot of relevant experience. Indeed I fit the bill, as long as you don't read "knowledge of..." to mean actual experience of doing it, and "desirable" doesn't actually mean essential. It pays about 150% of my current salary. I think I might be able to get an interview, and as long as I do some serious preparation, I might even be able to come away from the interview with them saying, "She'd be good as deputy, or, interesting."

Only problem - if I were to get the job, I would start in August, and if their terms and conditions are similar to my current place - which they probably are - I would not fully qualify for maternity rights unless I left it to August 2003 to have sprog. If that meant six months without pay, it defeats the whole advantage of getting a 50% payrise, which would also be accompanied by a 50% workload increase. Quandary! I mean, if they offer me a job, can I seriously ring them up and say, when would I qualify for full maternity rights? Whereas if I stay at the current place, where I'm more than happy, I will get something like 18 weeks on 90% pay, and sometime next year that increases to six months.

2002-04-23T22:46:00.000Z

Google searches

I thought I would share with you a selection of the ways that readers came to my site.

Clomid and pregnancy
peeing instructions for girls
pregnancy blogs
clomid birth defects
career women pregnancy
chicken pox and pregnancy
heartburn and IVF
my period is three days late shall I take a pregnancy test
signs of ovulation
miracle of conception
dirty diary girls
couples in their 30s and 40s starting a family
sneezing pregnancy
what do most people's results are after an amniocentesis?
cosmetic pregnancy
spotty then period am I pregnant

Only a couple that could be considered pervy. As for most of the rest, I find it a little scary that there might be people who see this as a source of information. It's just me, a nobody, who didn't even get Biology O-level. I'm doing it for me.

I have just realised, my period is now three days late. Shall I take a pregnancy test? Right now - well, there ain't one in the house. Plus, you know, I think it would be extremely unlikely - I did not take any clomid in this cycle. And, to be honest, if I found out I was pregnant right now I would be a bit annoyed. Don't know why, but it's not high on my personal agenda just at the moment.

2002-04-15T23:22:00.000Z

Message to Gabi

I have just found the comment you left below. I am sorry but I cannot really answer your question. Only a doctor can answer for you. I am only starting out on this journey, and I have a lot to learn. I do not know where you live, but in Britain, where I live, it is always okay for somebody to ask for a 'second opinion' from another doctor.

The way I understand it is that a quite a lot of women have problems in ovulating. It is relatively easy to take Clomid, and that helps many women. It doesn't help everybody - some women have problems with their tubes. If the Clomid does not work after some time ( I have read six months and I have read a year), the doctor may perform tests. Some of these include internal examinations with various bits of equipment, sometimes under general anaesthetic.

Sometimes an operation to unblock tubes can help, but not always. There are other drugs that help with fertility, and ultimately, many couples go for IVF - test-tube babies. This is only successful in about 40% of cases. The sad fact is that many couples find that they cannot have children.

A friend of a friend was trying for years. She tried all sorts. Just before they were due their first appointment for IVF, she fell pregnant and they now have a fifteen-month-old son. The doctor told her to stop drinking Cola and him to stop having hot baths.

There are thousands of websites out there that discuss infertility. Some of them are run by ordinary people, and others by doctors. I will not recommend any particular one, because I have not found any that answer all my questions. Also some people like their info in Plain English, other with medical details.

I think anybody who is wanting to conceive and can't, is having a pretty unpleasant time. I was extremely angry today when having this silly conversation with a woman at work. She said that we will just have to face up to the fact that the NHS cannot meet everybody's expectations and should only do what's important. I queried who should make that decision - seeing that there was a referendum somewhere in the States a few years back to determine the public's health priorites. The population put cosmetic surgery higher than HIV/AIDS treatment.

So this colleague said she didn't see why the NHS should pay for fertility treatment. We've only worked together for a week and she's already had three digs at me for not having children. If she has one more, she will regret it. (I'm her line manager and can make life more difficult for her than she can for me).

2002-04-05T23:36:00.000Z

Where's tha bin?

I have not posted for a while, largely because I have very little to say that I have not said already. Just a little update. I did not take any clomid this month, so I see no point in going through the whole rigmarole of testing my lutenising hormone blah blah blah yadda yadda.

I want to say thanks to y'all for your kind comments and to Dave, thanks for the advice. I suppose this is largely what this occasional diary is about.

I have a way of dealing with things that if I write them down, it makes them more manageable and often dissipates the stress. Rather than bottling up feelings, I put them on the paper or on the screen. That then means that my brian concentrates on the writing. I'm sure amateur psychologists would call it transferrance. It means that if something happens, I can look at it in terms of...must put that in my Diary.

For example, the other day, I was in BabyGap buying a present for a friend's newborn. Rather than going all girly and broody at some seriously cute clothes, I thought, I must record in my diary that if I do have a kid I'll never be out of Baby Gap. Then there's Next. And another shop in between them. Before I know it I'll be shopping regularly on Regent Street, whereas I always saw myself as more Oxford Street. I think my bank manager sees me as more Oxford Street.

2002-03-24T01:10:00.000Z

Not this month

Almost as soon as I had posted the previous entry, I realised that it would be irresponsible of me to take any Clomid this month. For once in my life I am doing something unselfish. We shall go away next weekend and I shall devote all my time and attention to my beloved one.

2002-03-22T15:10:00.000Z

Relief

My period arrived in the early hours of this morning, which is good news. This will come as a surprise to somebody who is reading this journal for the first time. However, because it means that I am not pregnant, I am spared facing a terrible dilemma.

I am spared worrying about the possible consequences of conceiving whilst infected with varicella-zoster. I would not enjoy the first few weeks of the pregnancy at all. I would demand all appropriate tests, and if there were signs of significant defects I would be faced with whether or not to abort.

Having an abortion is a difficult decision for any woman to take; it is doubly so when the pregnancy is planned and wanted. Perhaps even more difficult is the fear that, despite no defects being detectable on the scan or in an amniocentesis, there is still an increased risk of stillbirth.

An good acquaintance/slight friend was saying, apropos our mutual acquaintance losing her baby, that her god-daughter had a baby that died after two days. She knew long before the birth that the child would not survive. I do not know how people find the emotional and mental resources to deal with that.

I am now faced with the dilemma that I cannot decide whether to take another course of Clomid from tomorrow, or leave it a month to ensure that the toxins are out of my system.

2002-03-21T11:39:00.000Z

That time of the month again?

My period is due tomorrow. For the first time in a long time I am willing it to arrive on time. This may seem a strange wish from a woman who is desperate to conceive.

I have no wish to conceive this month. If I did, I would not be able to stop myself from worrying about the possibility of birth defects or stillbirth. And, to be honest, the chances are fairly remote anyway.

I want my cycle to be ordered and predictable. Finally, we are going away Easter weekend, looking to seize the opportunity to spend some time together. It would be nice to have my period over-and-done with before then. I will then be able to concentrate on conception - and what better a time than Spring!

2002-03-17T16:21:00.000Z

Them career women...tch!

Article in the Observer. Quite interesting. However, I feel slightly irritated at the presumption that women who do not start a family until their 30s are doing it in some calculated way to concentrate on their careers.

I don't think that most people's lives work quite like that. Personally, I think it would have been a little irresponsible for me to go out to get pregnant at 23 regardless of whether I was in a stable relationship etc. And believe you me, lack of appropriate relationship was not for want of trying!

Quite a lot of people manage to conceive in their thirties and forties. Many who don't would not have been able to do so in their teen or twenties

Perhaps the thrust of this article would be to ensure that all women should ensure that they are domesticated baby-machines by the age of 25. The misogynists are quite clever. They have wised up to the fact that people are no longer going to swallow 'moral' lectures about the role of women.

So they use statistics to scare people, without fully explaining the statistics. I have studied Statistics at University level, and use them frequently in my work. So while I do not claim to be a Statistician, I do have reason to claim to be Statistically aware, if you like. What I do know is that most statistics are about generalities, and say nothing about individuals. Additionally, this article is flawed in three basic elements.

It does not say how many people contribute to the result - so it might be based on ten people who are subfertile, and 7 are in their thirties or forties.This leads onto the next point:
What other biases are there in the population. It may be based on a sample of women who come for fertility treatment. That is likely to be biased towards the older age-groups because a lot of people don't PLAN pregnancies until their mid-twenties at least, and may well be thirty before they get as far as IVF, thus masking the fact they were infertile at twenty five
It does not show the significance of the results - eg if 25% of women are sub-fertile at 29 and 25.1% at 35, what does that demonstrate?

2002-03-17T16:05:00.000Z

Depressed -ish

I have not really felt like posting all week. Despite everything I have previously posted in this blog, I am now hoping that my period arrives bang on time. We have not exactly been bonking like rabbits this month, but I know that I most definitely do not want to get pregnant this month.

Even though the chances of damage are 1-2% as a result of chicken pox, I still do not want to risk it. One of the risks is still birth. I really do NOT want to go all the way through a pregnancy, full of hope etc and then have that happen.

2002-03-11T15:14:00.000Z

Chicken pox

I think the lack of sex might just be a godsend. I have chicken pox! I don't know if I'm ovulating - I went away for the weekend, forgetting to take any Clearplan with me - or to buy any. This morning I just forgot to pee on the stick. I went to the doctors for a diagnosis of the rash That I am suffering from. Guess what - I've got chicken pox. I did a Yahoo search, and the first two hits were about chicken pox and pregnancy. See this link Chicken pox and pregnancy.

I honestly and truly had no idea that chicken pox is an issue in pregnancy. Rubella, yes, that's well known - that's why all the girls in my class got lined up outside the secretary's office in what used to be called Junior 4 (now Year 6) to have an injection. the idea being to catch all girls at eleven, before they were sexually active, before they were fertile. But chicken pox - this is quite scary!

In theory, I could already be pregnant - although I think the lack of Lutenising Hormone suggests that to be an impossibility. My period might be late - illness tends to make that happen.

The other issue that I am slightly confused about is newborn babies. On Saturday I had brief contact with a woman who gave birth on Friday - Amy Elizabeth, one and a half hour labour. According to this article, I should be getting her all worried, because it implies that the baby is at risk, because she hasn't had time to develop immunities through breastmilk. Yet, my nephew got chicken pox when my niece was a tiny baby and the advice was not to worry, because she had inherited immunity - she was never breast-fed. So what's the truth?

And, actually, when I was at the doctor this morning, and she looked at my medical records, she even commented on the fact that I was trying for a pregnancy - but did not say anything else. My brother, who is a doctor, sent me a very sceptical text message about the diagnosis. So, clearly, there is some confusion in the British medical establishment, at any rate. I would be interested to hear comments from outside the Uk. For now I shall refine my Yahoo search to include 'all the web' and not just 'UK and Ireland only'. Actually, that raises the question - is chicken pox similar globally or are there regional variations?

2002-03-06T00:12:00.000Z

Sex tomorrow?

I mean today cos it's after midnight. I can be free tomorrow evening and we have a vague agreement. However, I suspect that the Boy Wonder is somewhat sozzled - he did not return my phone calls this evening.

Some how, folks, I suspect that Baby Gee will not be conceived this month. Mm, so we are looking at a Christmas Baby. Any name suggestions?

2002-03-05T10:34:00.000Z

Peeing

I did not do my Clearplan test yesterday - I kind of forgot when I got up, and for the rest of the day I cannot go 4 hours without peeing. I did it this morning - no sign of ovulation.

I am not panicking, because the instructions say work on the basis of your shortest recent cycle, which for me is 29 days. However, my longest recent cycle is 34 days. If this cycle is destined to be 34 days, my logic calculates that I should not expect to see signs of ovulation until Saturday.

Additionally, the instructions say that Clomid may interrupt the cycle, and users may need another pack. So perhaps I should remain in hope until 18 March. I do not particularly want my period during Easter weekend because that will be a rare chance to relax together with no work commitments.

2002-03-04T16:57:00.000Z

The advantages of infertility

Having a child is not a decision anybody should take lightly. Especially when you are not only unmarried but also not living with your partner. We therefore have time to think about the decision, which is probably a luxury.

I spend a lot of my time looking at how other people bring up their children. Sometimes it's just the little things, like where do you take them to eat? And, no I do not mean McDonalds.

Other times it's the practical, such as watching people manouevring buggies on and off buses. Incidentally those new Easy Access buses are not, despite what Ken says. they would be alot easier if the drivers could be bothered or were able (thank you morons who park your cars at bus stops) to pull up alongside th epavements.

Last week I helped a woman carry a buggy and child out of Victoria Underground station.

I worry about the big things in life - should I give up work - but would we survive financially? Or should I work part-time? The thought of some half-wit childminder bringing up my child with their values and their choice of TV poison fills me with dread. But the thought of having to deny things to a child because we can't afford it is equally dreadful.

I don't worry too much about becoming brain dead for lack of adult conversation - there's always Radio 4.

I dunno really, what do YOU think?

And another thing. I'm already worrying about what secondary school to send the child to. all my principles say the nearest state non-denominational comp. My instincts say, for a girl, the nearby state-run Convent comprehensive (La Retraite) that selects by parental attitude. For a boy - London Oratory?? Maybe too far to travel. Or Dulwich College? but I'm totally against fee-paying schools. Help!

2002-03-04T01:16:00.000Z

Sex

Just to say we did actually get down and dirty this afternoon. I won't give you the details, because it's private. But I don't think I aided the conception process by sneezing! I am sooooo busy this week, plus, our working days are different - he starts at 5 am, I finish at 6 pm (plus I have evening commitments - for a couple more months) - so I really don't see conception happening this month.

Nevertheless I shall pee on my Predictor stick tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow to see if I'm ovulating.

2002-02-26T23:20:00.000Z

Clomid

I have now taken my four days of Clomid this month. My doctor did not tell me of side effects, and there is no data sheet in the packets supplied by my pharmacist. Thank goodness (or TB-L) for the www. Well, I've had the hot flushes and the mild nausea. The next step is shagging - on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. Sunday I think we can do, but weekdays are difficult at the moment (sod's law).

I received very sad news today. A colleague of mine, who I've known since the mid-nineties, lost her baby. I don't know the circumstances - she was due in mid-March. I do not know whether this was a stillbirth or a neo-natal death. Very cold words, but A&G must be going through hell.

It's not the first this year. Sarah and Gordon Brown's baby made the news headlines. At the same time, the baby of a girl who had been in my brother's class at school dies in similar circumstances to Jennifer Brown.

It is very very chilling to think that even when the miracle of conception occurs there is so much that go wrong. I cried when I read this: Toddler 'beaten and left dead in cot for two weeks'

2002-02-21T19:29:00.000Z

Back to the drawing board

When I got up this morning my period started. I thought I would cry but I told myself to grow up. I had suspected months ago I was not ovulating. That was confirmed last month. Nothing's changed.

Tomorrow I start taking Clomid, up to and including Tuesday. That will get me ovulating.

And then, you know what happens later! The fun bit!

2002-02-20T20:32:00.000Z

Imagination fertile - is the body?

My period is now five days late, and I am still too superstitious to buy a pregnancy kit - I believe that in between buying it and getting it home, my period will start. And there's the minor embarrassment of where to buy it - my luck would be to go into Boots and be seen by twenty people that I know - probably the twenty biggest gossips.

And yet, I am imagining myself to be pregnant. I kept looking at myself in mirrors, and I have decided that I definitely look different in the face, and I have an unusual rash across my face. (Or is that pre-menstrual spots?)

I have definitely put on weight, especially in my breasts (or is that pre-menstrual bloating?) An email came round at work proposing a team conference in November. I had a delicious fantasy of being able to hand in my apologies in, say, April, with the casual comment that I will be on maternity leave.

I know that there is only one way to find out - do a test. I promise you that I will buy one on Friday and do it on Saturday morning. Unless I start before then.

2002-02-19T21:14:00.000Z

Tuesday evening

My period still hasn't started. And I felt sick on the bus coming back from the Tube. Does this mean that I am pregnant, or is it all a product of wishful thinking.

2002-02-18T22:26:00.000Z

Monday evening. Still haven't started. I have an early morning tomorrow so I must get to bed. Can't decide whether to buy a pregnancy test tomorrow. Or wait until later in the week. When I was a teenager, I used to write silly little stories to amuse my friends. I had characters that woke up in the morning, thought "Oops, I'm a day late. Must buy a pregnancy kit." Life ain't like that, Lady!

2002-02-18T19:56:00.000Z

Sixteen-year-olds

My partner was telling me about a girl called Jackie, who worked for him for a couple of months. she was fifteen at the time. She had dropped out of school at 14, with the consent of her parents, and was then - at the age of 15 - having a *relationship* with a prison officer aged 30+.

This caused considerable scandal in the prison officers' pub, where my partner drinks occasionally, and so does this girl's father. She was staying out all night. Finally, a number of the 'screws' persuaded this guy to leave her alone - or he might end up being a customer in one of Her Majesty's hotels.

Jackie (not her real name took up with a lad of her own age and is now pregnant. To hear that makes me angry. I have been trying to work out the benefits of getting pregnant at sixteen. One of them is energy, I suppose. And the other is that you can get child rearing out of the way by the time you're in your thirties. Unless you have a few more children with a few more men. Or the child you have in your teens has a child of her own and you're lumbered with looking after it.

I can, however, think of a number of reasons not to get pregnant at 16.

A council flat is nothing to aspire to. Especially when it is damp and in a rough neighbourhood.

Benefits are pitched at subsistence level, not at a level to pay for a *lifestyle*

Babies do not want to go out partying

A pregnancy will not make a spotty-faced gawky adolescent boy make a commitment to you; he'll run away

You are forever dependent on your parents for money, childminding etc

How can you possibly teach a child about life when you know nothing yourself...especially if you dropped out of school at 14?

See all those Mums yelling and screaming at their children on buses and supermarkets - you'll be like that one day

Cheap leggings and shapeless jumpers are boring after a few years

When you grow up you will realise that other people have spent their teens and (early) twenties having fun, travelling, developing a career, accumulating material goods, learning about themselves. You'll feel you've missed out - and you'll blame the child

Any other reasons - let me know

2002-02-18T01:25:00.000Z

Sunday night

Off to bed now. Still no period, still no PMT. But I don't ovulate.

2002-02-17T21:58:00.000Z

Jealousy

Back in, probably September or October, my friend H phoned me to tell me that she and her husband M were expecting a child in March. As soon as the words were out of her mouth I felt a pang of jealousy shoot through my body.

She then went onto say "And it was so easy - I came off The Pill and became pregnant."

"Bitch" I thought. "I don't want to hear another word about this."

In fairness, she did mention how T&D and J&M, some other friends were bonking for years before they conceived.

Posh git

When I was on the residential course (and, so could not have the blood test to check my hormones ie the balance of progesteron and testosteron) there was a conversation going on, and this complete plonker from the FO - probably ex-Guards, certainly ex-Public School - said that employers should pay the commuting cost of people to come into London, because it's very expensive from Hampshire. I said that that was his choice to do that. Living in Inner London is so much cheaper. He seemed completely impervious to my argument that we takes our choice and we pays our money. I said that was a contrast with policies, even Nanny-vouchers or workplace nurseries, to support parents. I went on to say that I supported this, even though I don't have children.

Then this really sweet and really naive guy from MoD said "But that's your choice!" I told him, fiercely, that it wasn't. He had no reply. I found his logic flawed - I'm saying that I support family-friendly policies but not expensive travel cards for posh gits, and apparently that's because of my *choice* not to have children.

As for Our Man in Hampshire, I should have suggested that as well as the employer paying his travel costs, maybe they should pay me an extra amount to buy lots and lots of nice clothes in order to sustain my professional image. Or maybe they should pay us a decent salary and we can then make choices about whether to spend our earnings on housing, travel, designer clothes, foreign holidays or school fees.

Not jealous

When K&J announced their pregnancy I was not jealous. That is probably because I was very happy, because their first child has cystic-fibrosis, and the in utero tests told them that this was not the case with this one.

They have subsequently been delivered of a healthy baby boy.

2002-02-17T21:30:00.000Z

Anxiety

9.30 pm on Sunday. I've got heartburn again. Is it because I'm pregnant - or is it because I ate a large slice of strawberry-and-cream cake at On Anon near Piccadilly Circus at about five o'clock today?

If it's a girl, I like the name Tarsicia. If it's a boy, Edward, or Alexander.

2002-02-17T19:28:00.000Z

Am I?

On Friday my period was due. I'm as regular as clockwork, which is very strange in a non-ovulating woman. Only two thing have made me late recently. I had period due on September 13th which did not arrive until the 18th - third hand trauma, I think. And when I did my back in before Christmas, that made me a few days late.

So, no period on Friday. Bad heartburn, though. No period on Saturday. Bad heartburn, again. Saturday night, down the pub, I really did not fancy my pint of Youngs Ordinary. And I struggled with my Reggae Rum Punch.

Sunday - no period. I do not think that I feel pre-menstrual. But is that because I am trying to fool myself into thinking that I might be pregnant?

I am living in cloud cuckoo land? I have been told that I do not ovulate, therefore I have been prescribed Clomid. I remind myself of all those miracle stories of people who go on the waiting-list for IVF and suddenly - bang - they're banged-up. But life does not happen like that to Lady Gee. I've not taken the Clomid yet - it has to start on Day 2. So, don't fool yourself, Lady.

2002-02-17T19:04:00.000Z

Background

Since we started sleeping together we have never bothered with contraception. This was not a rational decision. It was not, really, a decision. More a lack of decision. That was nineteen months ago.

A few times at work I vaguely wondered if I might be pregnant, only to arrive home in the evening and find that I was not. One evening I even took a pregnancy test stick out of the box, pulled down my trousers and knickers, and realised that I did not need the kit.

Over time I realised that I wanted to be pregnant. In early November I went to my GP and explained that we had been not using precautions for over a year and nothing had happened.

My GP asked whether I wanted to get pregnant. This seemed a question of the 'bleedin' obvious' but I, suppose, she probably gets so many thickos trailing through, it's probably not a good idea to assume anything. She instucted me to see the nurse in a fortnight's time for a blood test.

Towards the end of November I went back for the results, only to be told that it had been done on the wrong day of the month. I was angry at that - it was a month wasted - and it was she who had done the adding up of the calendar. She then told me that the nurse could not do another bloodtest in December because she was too busy doing chloresterol tests. I was, therefore, to go to St Thomas's. Unfortunately, on the appointed date, I was out of town on a course and could not get to Tommy's before the blood test department closed at half past five. More anger (and tears).

In the meantime He had to go to his GP to get referred to Tommy's for a semen analysis.

Christmas came and went and I was able finally to go to Tommy's for a bloodtest. I had also made an appointment for an ultrasound scan, because between 95 and 99 I had been under a doctor at George's for polycystic ovaries. The scan showed that my ovaries were not polycystic and I was even able to see the egg follicles sitting waiting to mature into ova - first sight of my child?

He had had his wank into a testtube, but has not yet made an appointment to see his GP to find out whether he's firing on all cylinders. (He has a good track record - three sons from a previous relationship - but that's no guarantee.)

I've been back to my GP and been prescribed Clomid, which, it seems, helps stimulate ovulation.