Temporarily on hold

I have decided not to make an effort to update this for the time being. Conceiving is not at the centre of my exisitence right now. In theory I am still taking the clomid, although I clean forgot last month. The previous month I did detect something on the ovulation tester. I don't want to dwell on it. I won't shut this down, because I never know when I might want to blog about it again. However, don't expect frequent updates.

Cheers
Lady Gee _xxx

A bit crazy

I phoned up for an application form for a job today. Damn good job, actually. I've got a lot of relevant experience. Indeed I fit the bill, as long as you don't read "knowledge of..." to mean actual experience of doing it, and "desirable" doesn't actually mean essential. It pays about 150% of my current salary. I think I might be able to get an interview, and as long as I do some serious preparation, I might even be able to come away from the interview with them saying, "She'd be good as deputy, or, interesting."

Only problem - if I were to get the job, I would start in August, and if their terms and conditions are similar to my current place - which they probably are - I would not fully qualify for maternity rights unless I left it to August 2003 to have sprog. If that meant six months without pay, it defeats the whole advantage of getting a 50% payrise, which would also be accompanied by a 50% workload increase. Quandary! I mean, if they offer me a job, can I seriously ring them up and say, when would I qualify for full maternity rights? Whereas if I stay at the current place, where I'm more than happy, I will get something like 18 weeks on 90% pay, and sometime next year that increases to six months.

Google searches

I thought I would share with you a selection of the ways that readers came to my site.

• Clomid and pregnancy
• peeing instructions for girls
• pregnancy blogs
• clomid birth defects
• career women pregnancy
• chicken pox and pregnancy
• heartburn and IVF
• my period is three days late shall I take a pregnancy test
• signs of ovulation
• miracle of conception
• dirty diary girls
• couples in their 30s and 40s starting a family
• sneezing pregnancy
• what do most people's results are after an amniocentesis?
• cosmetic pregnancy
• spotty then period am I pregnant

.

Only a couple that could be considered pervy. As for most of the rest, I find it a little scary that there might be people who see this as a source of information. It's just me, a nobody, who didn't even get Biology O-level. I'm doing it for me.

I have just realised, my period is now three days late. Shall I take a pregnancy test? Right now - well, there ain't one in the house. Plus, you know, I think it would be extremely unlikely - I did not take any clomid in this cycle. And, to be honest, if I found out I was pregnant right now I would be a bit annoyed. Don't know why, but it's not high on my personal agenda just at the moment.

Message to Gabi

I have just found the comment you left below. I am sorry but I cannot really answer your question. Only a doctor can answer for you. I am only starting out on this journey, and I have a lot to learn. I do not know where you live, but in Britain, where I live, it is always okay for somebody to ask for a 'second opinion' from another doctor.

The way I understand it is that a quite a lot of women have problems in ovulating. It is relatively easy to take Clomid, and that helps many women. It doesn't help everybody - some women have problems with their tubes. If the Clomid does not work after some time ( I have read six months and I have read a year), the doctor may perform tests. Some of these include internal examinations with various bits of equipment, sometimes under general anaesthetic.

Sometimes an operation to unblock tubes can help, but not always. There are other drugs that help with fertility, and ultimately, many couples go for IVF - test-tube babies. This is only successful in about 40% of cases. The sad fact is that many couples find that they cannot have children.

A friend of a friend was trying for years. She tried all sorts. Just before they were due their first appointment for IVF, she fell pregnant and they now have a fifteen-month-old son. The doctor told her to stop drinking Cola and him to stop having hot baths.

There are thousands of websites out there that discuss infertility. Some of them are run by ordinary people, and others by doctors. I will not recommend any particular one, because I have not found any that answer all my questions. Also some people like their info in Plain English, other with medical details.

I think anybody who is wanting to conceive and can't, is having a pretty unpleasant time. I was extremely angry today when having this silly conversation with a woman at work. She said that we will just have to face up to the fact that the NHS cannot meet everybody's expectations and should only do what's important. I queried who should make that decision - seeing that there was a referendum somewhere in the States a few years back to determine the public's health priorites. The population put cosmetic surgery higher than HIV/AIDS treatment.

So this colleague said she didn't see why the NHS should pay for fertility treatment. We've only worked together for a week and she's already had three digs at me for not having children. If she has one more, she will regret it. (I'm her line manager and can make life more difficult for her than she can for me).

Where's tha bin?

I have not posted for a while, largely because I have very little to say that I have not said already. Just a little update. I did not take any clomid this month, so I see no point in going through the whole rigmarole of testing my lutenising hormone blah blah blah yadda yadda.

I want to say thanks to y'all for your kind comments and to Dave, thanks for the advice. I suppose this is largely what this occasional diary is about.

I have a way of dealing with things that if I write them down, it makes them more manageable and often dissipates the stress. Rather than bottling up feelings, I put them on the paper or on the screen. That then means that my brian concentrates on the writing. I'm sure amateur psychologists would call it transferrance. It means that if something happens, I can look at it in terms of...must put that in my Diary.

For example, the other day, I was in BabyGap buying a present for a friend's newborn. Rather than going all girly and broody at some seriously cute clothes, I thought, I must record in my diary that if I do have a kid I'll never be out of Baby Gap. Then there's Next. And another shop in between them. Before I know it I'll be shopping regularly on Regent Street, whereas I always saw myself as more Oxford Street. I think my bank manager sees me as more Oxford Street.

Not this month

Almost as soon as I had posted the previous entry, I realised that it would be irresponsible of me to take any Clomid this month. For once in my life I am doing something unselfish. We shall go away next weekend and I shall devote all my time and attention to my beloved one.

Relief

My period arrived in the early hours of this morning, which is good news. This will come as a surprise to somebody who is reading this journal for the first time. However, because it means that I am not pregnant, I am spared facing a terrible dilemma.

I am spared worrying about the possible consequences of conceiving whilst infected with varicella-zoster. I would not enjoy the first few weeks of the pregnancy at all. I would demand all appropriate tests, and if there were signs of significant defects I would be faced with whether or not to abort.

Having an abortion is a difficult decision for any woman to take; it is doubly so when the pregnancy is planned and wanted. Perhaps even more difficult is the fear that, despite no defects being detectable on the scan or in an amniocentesis, there is still an increased risk of stillbirth.

An good acquaintance/slight friend was saying, apropos our mutual acquaintance losing her baby, that her god-daughter had a baby that died after two days. She knew long before the birth that the child would not survive. I do not know how people find the emotional and mental resources to deal with that.

I am now faced with the dilemma that I cannot decide whether to take another course of Clomid from tomorrow, or leave it a month to ensure that the toxins are out of my system.